School makes me sad. And pychologicaly damaged.

You know what? School is depressing, and stressful. It's all I ever think about. Boys. Assignments. Teachers and other students i want to slowly kill while I video tape it and then display in public view all over the world, but NO. I have to lay in bed ill and sore as fuck and whine and bitch about my stupid problems when I should be grateful. I am, but then again everyone else is so fucking insinsere maybe I should try and be like everyone else more for once. Oh I'm ugly, I'll admit it but at least I dont cake my make-up on. I want to be gorgeous, the kind of beauty that doesnt need makeup or straightening irons but no. For me to look half decent i would need my ghd, and a truck load of makeup to look half as good looking as I would want to be. I know theres poverty and homeless people but right now I cant leave home and help them can I? Scrolling past photos of starving children doesnt make me feel guilty. You know why? Because lifes not fair. It doesnt matter what you do or who you piss off but you'll either make an impression or not, then you will die. The end. Thats how it is, and if you believe in heaven thats great. But i've done some awful things so when I die im gonna get fucking blind and fuck some strippers in hell because I can. Are you offended? These are words and you can close this whenever you want to. Dont let a 16 year old girl offend you because I'm sure you have a wonderful beautiful life. And if you dont, work hard and maybe it'll get better. You know, maybe. Anyway, its 11:18Pm and i have had my sleeping pill so im very tired and ready for bed. I would complain more but I'm more or less over it now. Oh and maybe because I feel so awful I might have tomorrow off, why not, #YOLO#SWAG#DUMBFUCKSUSETHESETHINGS#derp

I'm weird, I'm not gonna lie. I love anime and Asians, I dont get along with everyone and something that I really hate is having to blend in with everyone else. Why should I have to wear those kind of clothes, and wear my hair a certain way? Because of this I hardly fit in a normal high school clique. I just want to finish school and get ouut and begin my life. People say 'oh High-School is the best part of your life. dont waste it." and I'm sitting here like wtf is this bullshit I dont want to be here, not because I want to go out and party but because I am sick of everyones dramatic shit. Even my mum hated high school and she never looked back after she quit.
Its obviously not for everyone.

Oh well. I'm eighteen next year so it'll be fine then. 17 More months, ugh.
Then I can go out without PARENTAL SUPERVISION.
I May be more mature but fuck, sometimes I want to go out, smoke, drink, and fuck more the any other teenager.

One thing I tend to do is assume that everyone else around me thinks exactly the same way as I do.
Which unfortunantly isnt the case. People ask "Oh Sarah whats wrong?" and I stare like they should already know everything, and its almost like they've asked what my gender is. Something I can be good at is figuring out body language. Others think it is a fluke everytime I can point out who lying or who likes who. To me, it is really just common sense. I guess I am just better at things like that than some people.

What really annoys me is when people constantly ask me whats wrong. Its not because I dont want the attention, its because I dont know who actually gives a shit and I dont know what I'm meant to say. "No, I just dont feel like showing any emotion at the moment because I feel as if that may be unreasonable." No, of course not because that is not the 'done' thing. I also cannot say what I am actually thinking on things like Facebook because people will talk. People will bitch and judge and like the fact I feel like shit, or like the fact I cant be with the guy I like at school.

It absolutley sucks liking someone who has a clingy girlfriend. Specially when you're talking to him over xbox live and he says to you constantly "What do I do about it Sarah? Shes overbearing and she keeps saying I cant talk to this other girl who is like my best friend. I dont like her like that, I love my girlfriend, but she can be a bitch and its like I like her but I dont like her. Maybe I should break up with her."
And I'm sitting here going oh how about you break up with her, realize the fact that I like you and then magically start liking me, and then we can become an item.
and I reply "Threaten to break up with her, then maybe she will stop. I dont know, I dont want to break you guys up.." and he'll say "Oh true its okay i just dont know what to do with her. I love her so much.."
ugh.
When I see him, its like hes the only one I see, and I know that sounds ridiculous but its true. and when he smiles at me and says weird things I blush reply and walk away because thats what girls do, isn't it? they smile and blush and then run over to their girly bestfriend and pretend to faint because they tend to over-react. and i dont want him to realize that Im blushing so hard i swear my face goes numb. That and I'm scared if I spend to much time with him, his girlfriend will figure out I like him and all hell will break loose. I dont want that. 

My best friend is Karen. She is Chinese, and she lives on the same property as my dad.
Something that really pisses me off is when all the Aussie kids whine about is how stupid Asians are. Not literally, obviously, because many Asians are a lot smarter than the average Australian because of their upbringing. Nothing but utter racism. "I hate asians!" I hear them say. I would always reply "Why?" and they would always come back with some stupid response like "'Cause they are gay." Or something like "They all look alike and they obviously cant see out of their eyes properly" It really hurts my feelings because they are human too and I love them. I love the idea of them, I think they are amazing, I think their cultures are amazing. So out of spite of everyone else, I am going to love the hell out of them because so many other people hate them for no reason.

I have only had maybe three boyfriends I actually really cared for. Each lasted about three months and each took three years to get over. I cannot understand though, if my teenage love life is so awful, why does everyone come to me for love advice? I am so socially awkward and yet this group of rejected kids have gotten together and have created their own clique. its not a popular clique, and nor are they very very unpopular or in the 'special ed' group. I'm just always so shocked because all these beautiful girls and even guys are coming to me saying "Sarah, why doesnt she like me?" or "Sarah what do I do, does he like me?" and they seem like stupid questions. I always say "Just ask him. and if he fucks you around, tell him you will have nothing more to do with him." and they smile and say "Thank you so much!" and they continue to come back about their other problems. I have trouble telling other people whats wrong with me, I dont want to pretend that I am more intelligent than everyone else but when I used to try and explain my problems these kids would turn their head like a small confused dog and say "Oh."
After I say something like. "Oh maybe I think I like him, but he has a girlfriend who is very over protective." and liking boys is not something I take lightly. I know its obviously puppy-love, or maybe just a crush but when I realize that I am infatuated with someone I tend to get really attached.
I have aspergers.
many people think I cannot feel. That is utter bullfrogs&fiddlesticks. I have bipolar, maybe schizophrenia, on top of that. Obviously I have feelings if I have been diagnosed with bipolar. Before I took meds, I was very depressed. almost all of the time. I even remember being very young and always feeling guilty, even when I had not done anything wrong. I remember asking my mother "Mum, my chest is sore. whats wrong?"
 and I would always be at the doctors, and they would always come back with "Oh she has ADD or ADHD, or she just needs attention, you know nothing because you are a woman."
This did not go down well with my mother. I love her. Even though I used to say I hated her, I know now that I am older I need her, in my life so I can live my life.

My parents have split up. I see my father every fortnight. I also love him very much, but he used to yell at me a lot when I was younger. But thats okay, I dont hold it against him anymore. I think it was because he wanted to be a swinger, and thats fine. What is also fine is the fact that he wanted to serve in the war overseas in the Australian Army, But another recuit team took his place and he didn't get to go so he was very sad. I tried to apply for the Army, But I cannot because I take medication that I cannot stop taking because I may develop more problems or have a mental breakdown. That is most definantly something I do not want. 

The beginning, and a little insight, I suppose

So as you may have already assumed, I'm a teenage girl with Aspergers syndrome.
I have created this blog to vent out all of my secrets and problems because as a teenager, almost none of my friends can be trusted. Its not that I mind, its just; being called names because of your past mistakes can really get on your nerves. I am not pretty, I am not very popular, But I have many friends and even though sometimes I may not feel very important to them, I feel very special that they are nice to me, and tell me their problems. What I also like is to help others. It may sound shallow, but I don't always like to help absolutely everyone. Anyway, I am a tag-along in a group of friends who have been together since primary school. I always feel left out because they have known each other for so long, and I have only joined them three years ago. Grade 9. This year I am in Grade 11. My first senior year. I have a very hard time to do my maths work and assignments even though so many are under the impression that Autistic people, and people with asd are just automatically good at maths. Its not true. I hate my maths teacher. Because everything needs to be a certain way, the way she talks annoys me. its like she has lost half of her tongue and she has a disability. I honestly think she has a disability. This scares me, because people with bad disability's worry me. Not because I think they are gross, or shouldn't be alive. I just wish better for them, and hope they don't go near me. Not because I am scared I will 'catch' their problem, it is because I am scared they will hurt me because they may not have control on what they are doing. My niche is music. I live and breathe it, it also helps me calm down when I get angry, which happens a lot when I am not sad. I play a few instruments and I own two guitars, one keyboard, and a drum kit. Because of school, and the fact that my ex boyfriend used to play the drums, I have gotten out of my way not to play them. This makes me feel bad inside because my mother paid 500 dollars for that drum kit, which for us, is a lot of money.

and if you have managed to read through my very complicated messy paragraph, congratulations for you, not many people can manage.